The C Word

When I meet long-term married couples for the first time I tend to ask them what the secret to a healthy marriage is or what the most important lesson is they've learned throughout their marriage journey and 95% of the time it is the C word: COMMUNICATION. You've probably heard the somewhat cliche' phrase "Communication is key." But in all reality, and especially in marriage, it is very key. Both what you communicate and how you communicate it. My husband always says this and it's so true, "You can be right at the wrong tone." Many of us grow up not learning how to communicate properly, including myself. So when we get married we really are forced to learn to communicate effectively or we settle for the alternative, an unhealthy relationship. Lately, I've been trying to be more intentional about communicating my thoughts and feelings and not just letting things fester inside. Part of communication is being vulnerable. Allowing yourself to feel pain by opening up conversation about painful things with your spouse. Sometimes this ends well and sometimes it doesn't but that doesn't mean that the conversation didn't accomplish what it was supposed to. You won't always see eye to eye with your spouse. You are still individual people with individual views and ways of doing things. The actual act of communicating effectively is the goal and when in doubt always over-communicate. (this is not in reference to major things like adultery, reckless spending, etc. You should be on the same page when it comes to those major things). Here's an example of miscommunication that Rob and I recently dealt with. Rob and I had a situation surrounding our finances that caused some tension. Rob made a decision financially based on a conversation we had about a month prior. Rob didn't include me in the decision because we already had a conversation about it. However, our circumstances had changed since that conversation a month ago but Rob didn't know that. Long story short, we got into a semi-big fight because he thought things were one way, got offended, and I thought they were another way, and got offended. We ended up having a mature conversation about it in which we were both able to see where the other was coming from and were able to come to a resolution, as well as, a decision on how to deal with this issue when it comes up in the future. However, we didn't have to have the fight and could have resolved the miscommunication fairly quickly if we communicated our feelings right away with love and respect for the other person. I tend to not say what I'm really feeling or struggling with right away. This tends to lead me down a path of offense and giving Rob the silent treatment or communicating immaturely. Also, Rob tends to get upset really quickly and doesn't stay calm in order to have a mature conversation. Rob and I have worked through major miscommunication and are still a total work in progress. We've made some major progress but still have our days. With that said, let me breakdown what I've learned about effective communication in marriage: 1. Fight the urge to get worked up. Stay calm. Remember that you can be right at the wrong tone. 2. In a calm state, communicate immediately what you're feeling, your thoughts, etc. 3. Let the goal be to make your spouse feel loved, heard and respected not to make them see things your way. I've found that the biggest need when there is miscommunication is for both parties to be heard and treated lovingly and respectfully. A lot of times fights occur because one or both parties won't submit to "love" being the end-goal. If "love" is the end-goal then both parties will stay calm, they will hear each other out and come to a resolution. This is obviously a process and we won't always get it right but it's certainly a worthy goal and necessary for a happy, thriving marriage.